How to be a good dad when the men around you are bad dads

THERE IS NOTHING MORE HUMBLING than projectile vomiting on the outside of a Volvo as your wife rockets down the German Autobahn. I drank four bottles of wine in a five-hour period at a wine festival in Bernkastel-Kues, Germany. I had a designated driver (my then-pregnant wife), and I was having a good time. Little did I know I had become an obnoxious loudmouth that night. After drinking the wine, and before the Volvo-vomiting, we had left the wine festival and awaited our river ferry to return us to our (then-untainted) car. It was at that time I felt it was necessary to complain about how Germans do not know how to stand in line for anything. I wasn't violent or trying to be, but I had drawn quite a bit of attention, and I had embarrassed my wife. That night, fifteen years ago, was the last night I drank myself into intoxication. I had little time to think about my antics as I hung my head out the passenger window to blow chunks of bratwurst and wine into the night at 120 kilometers per hour.  
     The next morning, while standing outside in the early morning September chill and washing my wife's car, I decided I would be a better example to my kids and worthy of my wife's affections. I drank, ran my mouth, and got sick. It could have been worse, but instead of counting myself lucky enough to try it again, I decided to quit binge drinking altogether. 

A negative trend in our armed forces

     

     A study found that 43% of American military personnel admit to frequent binge drinking.  While many would celebrate these findings, there is strong evidence that the military and binge drinking cultures lead to even greater problems for our armed forces.  The military, on the whole, are making strides toward curbing this culture, but with the concept of heavy drinking so entrenched in the ranks, it's a hard row to hoe.  While organizations can make policies and make behavior changes, it takes each of us to make a deliberate decision to be a better example.  What I haven't mentioned up to this point, is while I was drinking tons of wine, running my mouth, and vomiting on my wife's car was that all of my antics were seen through the eyes of my 5-year old son.  This was the boy I wrote about when I spoke of abortion.  What kind of example was I being to my child?  My wife was pregnant with our second child at the time; what precedent was I setting for the next one?  I had to make a change.
     For a while I refused to drink alcohol under any circumstance.  While some may view that as extreme, I was in a strange place and tried to make sense of my life.  My father, though I never knew him, was an alcoholic.  His drinking and abuse of other substances was one of the contributing factors to my mother leaving him.  She spared her children from an abusive, horrible influence; was I completing the circle he had started?  My mind was reeling over this possibility, so I had my reasons for cutting the sauce from my life.  I vowed to never let my children see their father drunk, and I would not put my wife in such an embarrassing situation again.  Alcohol destroys—not just the alcoholic—but entire families, and leaves ripples throughout communities.  I made a choice to be better, because I saw myself at my worst, but what do you do when your kids are exposed to men who allow themselves to be reckless and stupid with alcohol?

You cannot pretend it isn't a problem

• You just arrived at your kid's baseball game and are helping him get his gear situated in the team's dugout.  Suddenly, you catch a whiff of liquor on the breeze that reminds you of the nights you spent at the local dive bar trying to keep yourself from falling off the bar stool.  Your eyes follow your nose, and within seconds you are looking into the glassy-eyed gaze of your kid's coach.  The realization is difficult to comprehend; this man is a father, too, and he somehow managed to get drunk (or stay drunk) at 9 AM on a Saturday morning and before he coaches a baseball team full of 8-year olds.  What do you do?
• Your friend from work invites you to a barbecue at his house for an afternoon of fun and food.  As the day wears into night, your friend and host has drank enough to reveal a side of his persona you do not recognize.  Instead of the wise-cracking, fun-loving guy you know from work, you are treated to a blustering, cruel man who insults his wife and makes overtly-sexual remarks about his intimate relations with her (to her face and in the presence of you and others).  In addition, he screams at his children for daring to leave the confines of their bedrooms while "daddy's drinking with his buddies."  What do you do?
• You're at a scouting event with your son and his troop.  After a short while, parents begin to congregate and make small talk.  In the midst of everyone, one of the fathers makes racial slurs and insults some of the scouts in your kid's troop.  Many of the parents begin to display agitation.  What do you do?
•  An acquaintance recently betrayed his wife and kids by way of an affair with another woman.  He stopped caring for his family, quit his job, and has made no secret of his dirty tricks.  In addition to abandoning his family, he decides to move into his brother's house.  His brother is a friend of yours.  One day, while socializing with some neighbors in your friend's driveway, your friend's brother walks outside and tries to shake your hand.  You have full knowledge of this man's actions, which are an abomination to everything you hold dear as a husband and father.  What do you do?
• While shoe shopping with your kids, another parent in the store suddenly smacks their child in the head repeatedly with a hair brush.  In addition to the child's screaming, the parent shouts at the child and blames them for the beating in front of other people.  Children who witnessed the event cry out in horror as their parents gasp in fright.  What do you do?
• You take your kid to a friend's birthday party.  As you attempt to stay out of the host parent's way, you find yourself sitting among a small group of parents at a long table in the garage.  As the kids play outside, you notice another child's grandfather keeps calling out to your kid to come to him and climb into his lap for a kiss.  Your child isn't related to this man, and is not very familiar with him.  He gives you the creeps.  What do you do?

Tread carefully and remain calm

     Unfortunately, as I know from personal experience, what not to do:  You don't blow-up at the offending man.  No matter how strongly you feel about these situations, blowing-up and losing your cool will shift attention from the offending person to you.  You will surrender the moral high ground, and no matter what you do, you're in the wrong because you lost your cool.
     There is something about the human condition that makes onlookers to an offender shift their attention to something that is less offensive (but more "offensive" because it's loud).  Losing your temper to loudly chastise a man for insulting his wife may be honorable, but if you are severe in your scolding, any onlookers will suddenly forget about the jerk and hand him the mantle of victimhood.  Suddenly, you are the offender.  Never mind the fact this man reduced his wife to tears and called her a "stupid whore"; if you return his abuse in-kind to him, his words toward his wife—no matter how brutal—become a private matter between them.  Somehow you are now the worst man in the world, and all you did was try to stop a man from disrespecting his wife. 
     It's strange how that all works.  I know you aren't stepping-in to gain popularity or prestige; you are motivated by your sense of valor.  Popularity or public opinion should be the last thing on your mind.  However, if the offending man gains support (no matter his offense), he will be emboldened, and attempts will be made to silence you in the future.  You've made a bad situation worse, despite your best intentions.
     I'm not telling you to remain silent, and I'm not telling you to feign ignorance.  Acceptance is surrender.  The only thing more evil than evil itself is the silent acceptance of those who are too cowardly to confront it.  Evil men thrive on the graciousness of polite society.  A man of honor will not allow such evil near their kids.

Your first duty

     First, protect your kids and spouse from danger.  A drunk man, a drunk driver, a violent man, a jerk, a pedophile—they all share the same trait:  they're unpredictable and are therefore a threat to your family's safety.  You must first secure your family from the threat by whatever means necessary, and in a reasonable, measured manner.  Send your kids home or out to play (as the situation dictates).  Take them home if necessary.  Remember:  their safety is your first priority.

Do not become violent unless you are under direct threat and you fear 

for your life or safety of your kids.  

No bullshit.  Your family is more important than clocking a scumbag.

     Next, weigh the situation.  You are about to confront a man for his behavior—do not cede the high ground now!  Resorting to violence when there is no immediate threat of bodily harm will get you a night in the slammer as well as a criminal charge of aggravated assault and battery.  In addition, this asshole you are confronting will have the option to sue you in civil court for damages.  Think before you act.  No matter your intentions, you could find yourself in more trouble if you allow your passions to override your principles.  Remain calm, firm, and keep your emotions under control.  There is nothing wrong with saying "Gene, stay away from my kid.  I do not appreciate you acting like a creep as you begged my daughter to climb into your lap.  I won't tolerate your behavior any further."  If you say it in public around bystanders who saw the jerk act the way he did, anyone who witnessed the behavior will remember your words, and hopefully, the creepy bastard will, too.  With any luck, they'll make a point to avoid your family entirely after that.  You aren't trying to grandstand, but hopefully your words, professionally delivered, will leave a hot, uncomfortable cinder in the minds of those in attendance.  Yeah, it's awkward, but this is your kid we're talking about here.  If you handle it right, nothing more will need to be said.  Remain calm, factual, and to the point.  Don't beat around the bush, and do not grandstand.  Finally, and this is key:  do not allow your feelings to override your reason.  I have found that if I ignore or delay acting on a negative behavior, my feelings have time to fester and become toxic.  This is a sure way to ensure your intentions backfire.  Be prompt and handle it without violence.  If they're drunk, tell them you suspect they're drunk.  Be prepared for blowback.  Do not allow your child to ride with the drunk.  If your kid showed-up to a ball game with the coach, who was driving drunk with your kid (or any kid) in the car, not only does the drunk need help, they also committed a crime.  Respond accordingly.  Pretending it isn't a big deal further endangers others.  Remember:  the only thing worse than evil is the apathy you provide the evildoer by doing nothing about their behavior.

Moving forward

     An offending person may not be out of your life simply because you confronted them.  They might be a coworker, a relative, or a neighbor.  You need to be prepared for what comes next.  Whatever happens after the situation is resolved, own your actions.  Do not apologize for being straight with the offender; hold your ground with them and maintain your edge of principles.  If they need help with an addiction, offer to help them find a resource to cope with their demons.  If time heals wounds, then so be it, but do not compromise your integrity or valor for the sake of comfort.
     While all of my blogs are personal pieces that are inspired by the heart, I know what the heart does when it is driven by raw emotion.  Anger, fear, disgust—when unchecked and allowed to be unleashed—have unintended consequences.  KEEP YOUR EDGE, ALWAYS.  There are good dads out there just like you.  Learn from each other.  Draw strength from each other.  Mentor each other.  We are all in this together.
Be heroes.
The Atomic Father

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