Ken Gentner
Perhaps one of the best hardest lessons I learned in my young adult working life was accepting the reality that you cannot be friends with everyone—and it is even better for you if you aren't.
You remember high school, right? The big social game? Friends, enemies...and now the youth of today have frenemies. In the mind of a teen, if someone isn't a friend, they are an enemy; it is simple math to someone so young. Young people spend so much time and effort trying to blend-in rather than stand-out, and they learn early how the game is played. In some cases, young people cling to their friends and make bitter enemies with those they do not associate with. Labels are assigned and castes are difficult to defy, much less escape. By the time a teen graduates, they have a clear understanding what constitutes a friend, and how enemies are made.
Friends and enemies—what a concept. Sadly, the conditioning from our youth carries over into our young adult lives. The game is the same, but now there are taxes and commutes.
After I arrived at my initial military duty station, my first supervisor looked me in the eye and said "you and me? We ain't friends". He had a smirk on his face and seemed to enjoy watching me grow more uncomfortable with his words. Though I doubt he meant it, I began to resent him. After all, if someone isn't a friend, they are your enemy, right?
He did not elaborate. We never developed a trusting relationship. I was jaded toward authority for a long time until one day, a few years and a few supervisors later, I was informed I was to be promoted into the sergeant ranks. Almost immediately, I was sent to my first leadership academy so I could learn what it meant to be a military supervisor. I was unprepared for what came next, and it changed my life.
My primary leadership instructor would teach for hours on a multitude of subjects such as military customs, enlisted force history, aviation history, protocol, legal considerations, and current events. While most of the subject matter I studied has long fled my memory, one lesson has remained with me and shaped my perspective on leadership: the role of a leader.
My instructor told our class that one of our greatest failures as a professional military force is the disservice we do ourselves in our understanding of what it means to be a leader. We always tell our Airmen we are not their friends. Sadly, in the mind of a young person, a non-friend is a sure enemy. We never elaborate past the notion that we are not friends with those we lead. You have friends, but friends can betray you just as soon as an enemy could. In addition, the friend's betrayal cuts deeper than any enemy's words. No. We cannot be friends with our subordinates -- we have to be better than that. We have to be leaders. A leader cannot betray the trust of their subordinates. A leader is trusted counsel and a force for good in the lives of those they lead. They demand excellence from their people and hold them accountable. They drive progress and cheer every success their teams achieve. A leader is not an enemy, and the sooner we can demonstrate what true leadership is to our people is the moment they understand for themselves why you cannot be anything less. I have lived by this statement since that day. I felt like this sergeant could see into my mind and speak directly to my fears and malice toward leadership. I had a grand awakening. On that day, I entered a larger world of understanding. In other words: my mind was blown.
US Army Field Manual 22-5 (1946) states the leader should adopt a sensible and natural attitude in dealing with [their] subordinates. It is always a grave mistake for a leader to try to gain popularity by undue familiarity, coddling, or currying favor, because it is an inescapable fact that intimate association between leaders and those they lead tends to destroy discipline and lower prestige. Nowhere in that statement does it imply that we should be enemies with our employees. On the contrary, we have an obligation to those we lead to simply be good leaders. To be friends with your subordinates is to invite disaster; to be malicious or spiteful toward them is equally dangerous and belies the calling of a leader.
So be tough. Demand excellence from your people. Train them to be the best team anyone has ever seen before. Inspire trust and command respect through truthfulness of word and preciseness of act. Be the leader you wish you had when you were coming up, but don't be a friend—be better than that: be a leader.
You remember high school, right? The big social game? Friends, enemies...and now the youth of today have frenemies. In the mind of a teen, if someone isn't a friend, they are an enemy; it is simple math to someone so young. Young people spend so much time and effort trying to blend-in rather than stand-out, and they learn early how the game is played. In some cases, young people cling to their friends and make bitter enemies with those they do not associate with. Labels are assigned and castes are difficult to defy, much less escape. By the time a teen graduates, they have a clear understanding what constitutes a friend, and how enemies are made.
Friends and enemies—what a concept. Sadly, the conditioning from our youth carries over into our young adult lives. The game is the same, but now there are taxes and commutes.
After I arrived at my initial military duty station, my first supervisor looked me in the eye and said "you and me? We ain't friends". He had a smirk on his face and seemed to enjoy watching me grow more uncomfortable with his words. Though I doubt he meant it, I began to resent him. After all, if someone isn't a friend, they are your enemy, right?
He did not elaborate. We never developed a trusting relationship. I was jaded toward authority for a long time until one day, a few years and a few supervisors later, I was informed I was to be promoted into the sergeant ranks. Almost immediately, I was sent to my first leadership academy so I could learn what it meant to be a military supervisor. I was unprepared for what came next, and it changed my life.
My primary leadership instructor would teach for hours on a multitude of subjects such as military customs, enlisted force history, aviation history, protocol, legal considerations, and current events. While most of the subject matter I studied has long fled my memory, one lesson has remained with me and shaped my perspective on leadership: the role of a leader.
My instructor told our class that one of our greatest failures as a professional military force is the disservice we do ourselves in our understanding of what it means to be a leader. We always tell our Airmen we are not their friends. Sadly, in the mind of a young person, a non-friend is a sure enemy. We never elaborate past the notion that we are not friends with those we lead. You have friends, but friends can betray you just as soon as an enemy could. In addition, the friend's betrayal cuts deeper than any enemy's words. No. We cannot be friends with our subordinates -- we have to be better than that. We have to be leaders. A leader cannot betray the trust of their subordinates. A leader is trusted counsel and a force for good in the lives of those they lead. They demand excellence from their people and hold them accountable. They drive progress and cheer every success their teams achieve. A leader is not an enemy, and the sooner we can demonstrate what true leadership is to our people is the moment they understand for themselves why you cannot be anything less. I have lived by this statement since that day. I felt like this sergeant could see into my mind and speak directly to my fears and malice toward leadership. I had a grand awakening. On that day, I entered a larger world of understanding. In other words: my mind was blown.
US Army Field Manual 22-5 (1946) states the leader should adopt a sensible and natural attitude in dealing with [their] subordinates. It is always a grave mistake for a leader to try to gain popularity by undue familiarity, coddling, or currying favor, because it is an inescapable fact that intimate association between leaders and those they lead tends to destroy discipline and lower prestige. Nowhere in that statement does it imply that we should be enemies with our employees. On the contrary, we have an obligation to those we lead to simply be good leaders. To be friends with your subordinates is to invite disaster; to be malicious or spiteful toward them is equally dangerous and belies the calling of a leader.
So be tough. Demand excellence from your people. Train them to be the best team anyone has ever seen before. Inspire trust and command respect through truthfulness of word and preciseness of act. Be the leader you wish you had when you were coming up, but don't be a friend—be better than that: be a leader.
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