How to maintain a relationship with adult children away at college

By the Atomic Father

     

     WHEN MY SON decided to attend an in-state university, my wife and I were overjoyed.  While college isn’t for everyone (there are plenty of other options out there), our son’s desire to become an American diplomat necessitated he gain a larger understanding of international politics, law, history, and American civics. He settled on a college a mere hour’s drive away; he was far enough away that he needed to live on-campus, but he was close enough to drive home if he wanted to get away from the chaos that is college life (and get a home-cooked meal). We raised our boy to be self-sufficient the best way we knew how—we were tough on him. We weren’t drill sergeants; there are plenty of super-strict parents out there who would poo-poo our parenting, but we weren’t soft on him, either. We wanted him to have his independence to varying degrees of success. Today, our son is nearly out of his teens. He doesn’t make his bed or keep a spotless room, but he makes it to class on-time and manages himself in an adult way that he doesn’t require further teaching in how to “adult”; he merely needs to be honed through the wisdom of parental mentoring.

                So, your kid has achieved adulthood and is ready to head-out to college, and you are wondering how your life will change.  What do you do, as a parent, to keep a strong bond with your child when they’re away?

What your child needs while they are away

                They need space.  They need space from you in both physical and non-physical ways.  Limit your phone calls to them.  Kids these days aren’t super-fond of talking on the phone anyway.  You may be all-too-familiar with their preferred method of communication already:  texting.  A text message allows your child the latitude to answer you on their time.  If you haven’t already, take the time to establish an understanding with your child about text messages from you and that you do not need an immediate reply.  A single text message waiting on their phone is a happy reminder you care, but bombarding your child with frequent texts containing desperate messages like “why haven’t you replied to me?” and “OMG UR DEAD IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!111 I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE!” is not helpful.  Again, ensure your child knows they don’t have to reply to you immediately unless a pre-established READ NOW code is sent.  Don’t abuse this code!  Remember the story the Boy who cried ‘Wolf’?  It goes both ways.  Emergencies, urgent information, and the like are for these kinds of messages.  Crying to your child on the phone that you need them to come home because you miss them is unfair to the child who has just spread their wings to leave the nest.  Give them the space to live on their own.  They’ll come home when time allows them to.

                They need your support.  Just because they’re adults doesn’t mean they’re self-sustaining.  Chances are they don’t have a job, but if they do, they have to maintain a job, their studies, and their schedule.  They don’t have you there with them, but they might need your help managing their time.  I’m not suggesting you make a schedule for them to balance their time, but you could say, “You have a life with a lot of moving parts to it.  You probably feel like you’re drinking from a fire hose.  How are you doing with making time for everything?  Can I help you make a list of tasks and work out a weekly schedule?”  Don’t push the issue, but float it.  If they refuse, don’t think that’s the end of it.  They might come to you later for help when they feel overwhelmed with the college life.  You planted a seed in their mind.  If you weren’t pushy, they might come to you for help in shaping a schedule to reduce their stress and meet their obligations.  When it comes time to help them—don’t do it for them.  You are there to facilitate their development rather than create a dependent thinker.

                They need your money on occasion.  A $20 bill, a Walmart gift card, or a tank of gas means the world to your kid.  You aren’t made of money, but you have more resources than they do.  Getting around campus and late night study sessions call for food.  The school cafeteria isn’t always open.  You get the idea.  A college student will quickly learn how to stretch a buck, and they will finally start to value generic brands at the grocery store.  You’re teaching frugality without even being there; that’s a win in any parent’s book!  Speaking of accounts—your child needs their own bank account with a debit card.  Check with your financial institution for in-bank transfers and what it entails.  My bank account is linked to my son’s, and while I can see his bank account on my mobile phone, he can’t see mine or access it.  This allows me to rapidly move money to his account in an emergency or when he needs to get gas.  While some parents set their kid up with an emergency credit card, I am flatly against it.  Besides, I can’t afford another bill.  I’m already taking on student loans on my son’s behalf.  I can spare cash on occasion, but a credit card isn’t feasible for me.

When they come home

     Your child crashing at your pad for a weekend doesn’t need to be a big affair.  If they live a short distance away, they might come home for just a few hours, overnight, or the whole weekend.  If you kept their room just how they left it, then take the time to refresh the sheets, open a window, or run the vacuum over the rug.  Don’t make any huge changes to the decorations or furnishings without their permission.  Their bedroom is their abode where they’ll reconnect with their roots and recharge.  We went another direction.  We actually rotated our two younger children around to where our middle son took our college boy’s bedroom, and our youngest took the middle’s former room.  Now, when our son comes home from college he crashes in my office (which was formerly my daughter’s room).  We have a bed and desk set up for those weekend visits, but we needed the space.  When our boy comes home for an extended period (over winter break), he brings home a lot of clothes, his gaming computer, and other important items.  My office becomes cramped, but we manage.  We still make the bed and stock the pantry with comfort food.

                Get your college kid out of the house.  Taking a walk with your kid is quality time at any age.  While they’re home, it’s easy for them to become stagnant in familiar conditions.  Some may become homesick and refuse to go back to school.  You don’t want a regression in their maturity and ambition—take a walk, grab a cup of coffee at a local diner, go to the movies, or whatever favorite things you enjoy.  Your son may need a haircut or your daughter could use a relaxing pedicure.  They are adults now, so do an adult thing with them.  Make them feel special without making them feel like a child.  Make the most of the visit, but give them time to be alone if they show signs they want solitude.  To overwhelm or smother them is to send a clear message that they need to think twice before coming home again.  In addition, being constantly on the go with no time to relax on the couch will drain them of their desire to do anything and may lead to irritation and tension between you.  It’s best to plan ahead a few activities, or at least limit the things you want to do so they can relax.  On a recent visit home, my son told me “I feel like I’m wasting time.  Can we get out of the house?”  I took the hint.  We took a two-mile walk around the neighborhood then drove to a menswear store to get fitted for a suit.  Man things and adult things:  I’m mentoring my son for a future on his own after his college days are over.

                If you know they are coming home, ask them if there is a special meal they’d like to have while home.  Include them in the meal preparation process.  Mixing up a meatloaf, batter-dipping eggplant slices, and even changing a propane tank on your backyard grill are valuable tools and reinforce their ascent to adulthood.  You are including them in the processes that will reap rewards later, and you’re not treating them like a kid.  However, if they show up unannounced, and you’re unprepared, don’t make an issue out of it.  Your kid took the time to surprise you with a visit; show your joy and ignore the disorder in the house.  Say “what a wonderful surprise!  Take a minute and recharge—but let’s make a run to the store so you can pick out something you’ve been craving for dinner!” instead of “I would have appreciated it if you would have told me you were coming home.  I have nothing stocked in the kitchen, the house is a disaster, and I haven’t cleaned the bathtub in a month!”  Your kid came home to see you and visit—the unfolded laundry on the couch and soap ring in the bathtub are the least of their worries. 

When you go visit them

                Remember how much you love unexpected house guests? Oh yeah—you don’t.  Never “just show up” out of the blue at your child’s college dorm room for a surprise visit.  He will take your arrival as an invasion of his privacy more heinous than that time you walked in on him in his bedroom doing God knows what.  He might think you are there to inspect his room and his things.  Your kid might show-up unannounced at your house, but who has more experience as an adult?  Set the right example and call ahead.  Giving him or her advance notice (even if it’s just an hour’s worth of notice) will give him time to clean his room, take a shower, and drag a comb through his hair.  Your kid wants to show you he’s capable of taking care of himself without your constant presence, but darn it if college life isn’t hard.

                When you arrive, and his room smells like a basement from a horror movie, try to mask your disgust. Calmly open a window and ask them if they’d like some help. Don’t use sarcasm or belittling language as he will already be embarrassed at the appearance of his dorm room. You could say, “If you gather your dirty laundry and give it to me, I’ll take it to my car while you shower and get dressed. I’ll wait for you in the parking lot. We can grab drive-thru and hit-up the laundromat down the street afterwards.” You aren’t doing him chores for him—you are teaching him how to manage multiple tasks without pressure.
                Don’t show up empty-handed. If a friend invited you to his house for dinner, you’d at least bring a dessert to enjoy after dinner. The same could be said for when you come to visit your kid at college. Bring a box of his favorite goodies, or fill his fridge with healthy food. If you weren’t aware, most colleges serve terrible food. Pre-packaged salads, hard-boiled eggs, a package of string cheese, and a case of yogurt go a long way toward making your kid’s day. Fill his refrigerator with food you know he’ll eat.

They struggle and will hide their fears

                College is tough, remember? Your kids want to succeed, but in their young lives they had you. You were there to check their homework and proofread their high school reports. You were there to guide and give advice.  Now you aren’t there when he needs you, but you were there before.  It’s a rough transition.  As I mentioned, your kid may need you to help them develop a routine they can sustain to stay on track.  I did not realize just how overwhelming it could all be until just this last Christmas when my son dropped a bomb on his parents:  He had to withdraw from a math class he was having trouble with.  He didn’t want to tell us because he didn’t want to disappoint. 

                He was in tears over his inability to overcome the course.  After a long discussion and a lot of outbursts, I had a moment of clarity that changed the entire landscape of our relationship.  “Son,” I began, “I forgot just how hard it all is.  How would you feel if I came out to college with a pizza one day and you could have me there to help you study in the library?”

                My son wiped a tear from his red eyes.  “That would be great,” he replied.  He smiled as if the sun came out for the first time after several cloudy days.

                Your kid needs you to help them navigate through the struggles.  You are bridging a gap with them between the times when they had you in their lives as children, and when they become self-sustaining adults after they graduate.  If you handle it right, and you aren’t doing the thinking and schoolwork for them, you will empower them to be stronger people who will be problem solvers.  My son is 19; he knows teenage insecurity and angst very well as a result of surviving high school.  While his insecurity and fear about school is familiar to him, the environment in which he copes with the struggle is completely alien to him.  Be there for your kid when they need you and recognize their withdrawal and irritability as a sign that something is amiss.  It is possible that your kid needs to talk on the phone with you to help them think through problems, or they need a hug and a cup of coffee while they sort through their class notes with you in-person.  Whatever emotional support they need, be there for them.

What to do when they break down

                You are having a late-night conversation with your son.  Suddenly, he collapses into your arms and begins to cry uncontrollably.  He musters a few incoherent words, but mostly cries.  This collapse was unexpected—and could be unprecedented for your kid to do.  What do you do?  Maybe he just needs to cry for a moment, but what if it’s something more?  Talk to him, but let him get out his feelings first.  To pretend or minimize your child’s fears is a grave mistake.  He chose to be vulnerable with you; don’t exploit it or mock it.  Don’t pretend it didn’t happen.  Let him open himself up to you, and don’t be judgmental.

Nervous breakdowns, overwhelming sensations of failure, bouts of sadness, poor work habits, and failing grades happen to many college students—it could happen to yours.  I am not a clinical psychologist and have no experience in mental illness or depression.  I strongly recommend every parent read this for themselves.  You know your kid.  Reasonable amounts of stress are to be expected with college life, but know the warning signs and where to go for help if you suspect your child is suffering from college depression.  If your kid needs help, then be the bridge to get them the professional assistance right away.

                You know what it’s like to be under pressure, and you know what it’s like to fail.  These are very real and ever-present concepts for your kid to negotiate on a daily basis.  Don’t despair—once they make it through the tough times, they’ll be stronger for the experience.  Help them, and get them the help they need, but do not do things for them.  If I might share a metaphor:  Iron is an element found in nature that rusts and crumbles to dust in its natural state; however, if you subject iron to fire and beat it, the iron becomes steel.  Your kid will become stronger because of difficulties they experience, not in spite of them.

                You’ve been around the block a few times.  Your kid just stepped off the proverbial bus at an unknown street.  Be a good parent and show him how to navigate before he gets lost.  My hope for you is that your relationship with your adult child evolves to a new level of greatness, and distance merely makes the heart grow fonder.  -AtomicFather